footprints

Thursday, October 13, 2011

What can i say, when i can't find the words to possibly explain, what i'm feeling inside..

These fluctuations of emotion, is really hard to bear at times, and it's tiring me out..

There's so much on my mind, i still can't get over that fact that you are no longer around..

What can i do? I don't want to feel like this, but how can i be happy, knowing that i will never see you again..

I need time..

Sunday, September 11, 2011

Gosh, this is harder than i thought, so much on my mind lately, i need an outlet. This is a struggle as i type this out. I'm sure there are alot of friends wondering how i'm coping, having to repeat myself so many times is tiring as it is. Am i lying if i say i'm ok? What if i'm not, i'm trying to be, it's been more than 6 months, i should be able to take whatever news that might come my way. This is my first post in a long time, a recollection of thoughts from when it all began..

It's been more than half a year since Mum got diagnosed with stomach cancer, terminal stage. Recalling CNY earlier this year, with the shop officially opened at the start of the year, we were all glad i could take a few days off for a break in KL. My family had stayed a few more days in KL while i came back first to tend to the shop. She was already feeling abit under the weather when we were in KL, we all brushed it off as the common flu, who would have known that she never recovered from this "flu".

It didn't help that they sought a doc's advice in KL and consumed some whack medicine that made her "flu" worse. When they finally came back to Sg, a visit to the clinic, the GP suggested that it was best we sent her to the hospital. That time, i was still very confused as to what was happening. I thought it was just a regular visit to the hospital, i came back from work one day and realised she wasn't home, Doc had suggested for her to be warded for more tests.

They finally found the source in the form of a stomach ulcer that was already bleeding out spreading the cancer cells to the bone marrow, hence explaining her blood problems. Being diagnosed with cancer is like as if a death sentence had been passed down, our lives would never be the same again from then on. After spending a few days in the intermediate care for her condition to stabilise, she was finally transferred to the oncology ward, which to me just looked depressing from the moment i stepped into the room, everyone looked really sick or dying. It didn't help that the doctors stressed on the fact that "You have to be prepared, your mum is really sick". There wasn't a day of good sleep, each day ended with a tear-soaked pillow, we never really got to accept the news.

I began to drift away from my friends, i didn't know how to tell the news to anyone when we couldn't handle it ourselves. My family has always been one with lots of laughter, how do i tell my uncles that their beloved sister has cancer and will probably be leaving them soon, how do i tell my grandmother that her favorite daughter will leave this world before her. How do i keep lying that the doctors are still trying to figure out what is wrong with her. Being tired out from hospital trips day in day out, I get frightened by the phone ringing at night. We couldn't hide it any longer, after breaking the news to everyone, relatives started coming down to Sg to visit. At first it was really heart-warming, then it became really frustrating. What do you do when A suggests to try this method and B says to eat this and not eat that? Who do i listen to? When i did not do as i was told, i was labeled as "not putting in effort" which i felt was really unfair since from the beginning, i was at the hospital EVERYDAY, who can say that i didn't put in effort. Everyone has work, I HAVE WORK TOO! No doubt i put it aside for a month because the news was too much to handle but i had to return to work too, it would be too unfair on my partners if i had been away for too long.

So for another month i was running between work and hospital, and finishing work only after 12am, slept till the morning at 9 only to have been labeled once again "sleep till so late?!" WTF?

Mum was hospitalised for close to 2 months, but once they found the source and had started chemo, her condition stabilized when it seemed that her body was reacting well to the chemo and her situation was under control. At the beginning, it really felt as if she wasn't going to ever walk out of the hospital again. To receive the news of being able to be discharged came as a relief to everyone.

As we slowly digested the news, I started to let my friends know what has happened, many of whom were sorry for but there was nothing they could do to ease the pain. However, letting them know my struggles, seemed to have lifted a bit of pressure off.

Then it was in and out of admission for various complications, i told myself that if there was ever a need for admission again, i will not let it affect my work, i will spend time in the hospital, and just as much time at work. And then it was shuttling between work and hospital, spending the night in the hospital just to catch the doc's rounds in the morning and it was off to work again. Which proved to be costly as my body couldn't take the harsh conditions of the hospital and work together and it finally broke down..

Through these difficult times, I've managed to make another bunch of new friends, the nurses at the oncology ward, I figured that if i have to spend so much time in the hospital, i would be better off if i didn't pissed the nurses off. No idea how we managed to hit-it-off, but i do remember that i used to dislike the nurses there, heck, i HATED everything about Ward 48. But i guess the late night visits, the occasional chit chats we had, and plus they were all around the same age as me, all helped in the road to finding back the laughter of the "cheong family".

Knowing she was in good hands at Ward 48 made it easier for me to go back to work. In the blink of an eye, we were out of the hospital for almost a month without much complications...

Fast forward to a couple weeks ago, I was spending alot more time at work to make up for lost time before, Dad was the one taking care of Mum most of the time at home since he works half days now. A call at work and i had to rush to the A&E ASAP cos she was admitted again for pain and persistent diarrhea. The situation at home was tense, hospital trips were never a family affair because i didn't want to quarrel in a public place. I was tired, tired of always being the one around the hospital, because if there was any bad news, i would have to be the one to hear it first, i'm the youngest in the family, it doesn't work this way for me to handle things like that. Hearing you say you can't take leave from work to be in the hospital in the morning frustrates me because i am SICK and TIRED of these bullshit. I work too!!! How do you expect me to go to work for 14 hours when i don't get enough rest...

Slowly i started to distant myself from the things happening at home, i wanted to let go, was chemo prolonging life or extending her suffering, i couldn't tell the difference anymore.

Then came the day of the doc appointment, Dr requested to speak to me after dad pushed mum out of the room. He was going to stop chemo permanently as it wasn't helping anymore, doing more chemo will only add to her suffering. Her latest CT results showed that her cancer cells has progressed and increased in size which meant that her body was showing resistance to the different chemo used. The plan from now as was to just treat the different symptoms like pain and bloatedness as they came along. Dr said to be prepared, we are looking at months, less than 3 months to be exact. All till this point, i was fine, then tears came free flowing, i wasn't sobbing, it was just that the tears couldn't stop flowing. I don't know how i was feeling, was i relieved? Was i sad? Was i in pain? I told the doc: "I'm ok", before drying my tears and walking out of the room.

The dreaded day has arrived. Tried calling my auntie but there was no pick up on the other end. I thought i'll be ok, but the tears just wouldn't stop flowing. How do i tell her that they will be taking out her central line permanently and she won't need to do chemo anymore. I sent out text msges to a few friends cos i didn't know who to turn to. I was prepared for a day like this, but i wasn't prepared how to break the news. I could accept it on my own, how do i convince others to accept the fact for what it is without people condemning me for seemingly giving up...

I'm not giving up, but right from the get-go, we were already fighting a losing battle. The outcome has already been decided, what was different was the amount of damaged done physically and emotionally. It will be painful letting her go, but it pains me more to see her suffer so much.

Friends say "Be Strong". I say "I Will"... i will be strong in learning to let go..

Saturday, October 17, 2009

好久没写日记了。。
这两个星期变成煮饭婆了，妈妈一个多礼拜前在家门口跌倒了，伤到脊椎骨，你能想象吗，一个被压扁的汽水灌，其中一届有稍微的骨折，这可需要6到8个星期的时间才能愈合，妈妈常看的物理治疗师说，这段时间最关键，千万千万不能再跌倒了，要不然后果会很严重。

刚开始那几天，妈真的很痛，我看到心也疼，只好在家照顾她，洗衣煮饭什么的，也能说上是庆幸吧，因为我暂时没全职工，所以时间还蛮松的，就多点留在家里，陪她去看医生，没去打球，也没上健身房。爸也蛮奔波的，一有时间就会回来，载我们去医院，看中医师，看物理治疗师。从跌倒那天下来的一个星期，我的日常生活，平时做的东西，都停止了。

我发现了一样东西，我好喜欢煮饭哦，看到吃的人赞不绝口，我也很开心，只是不是很喜欢洗碗。。哈哈。。

昨天妈告诉我说，她觉得好多了，躺和坐起来的时候也没那么痛了，听了之后，我也放心多了，毕竟到了一个年龄，跌倒可不是一件小事。。还是要谢谢我吉隆坡的亲戚们，知道了后，都很关心，我大舅母还特地打电话出来问候呢。。

还是亲情可贵！

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

After all the persistence, i have no idea if the decision i made then was the right one.

After waiting for so long, all that waiting seems to have come to nought.

After all that's been said and done, i do not know right from wrong anymore.

After all these years, i have no idea what is going on in everyone's life anymore.

So, the question is, what am i to do now?

Saturday, September 12, 2009

This blog of mine has kinda been neglected since i do updates on facebook. Hah, anyways, i've been trying to start on an exercise regime which has since been halted when it barely started cos of my swollen eyes. It's the "feng-mo" thingy that i have at least once a year, Sharon recalls me having it when i was still in Brissy. My eyes were so puffed up that i lost my double eyelids and one could only see half my eyes, i looked terrible so i stayed at home the entire thursday when i was supposed to go for gym classes in the morning.

Gymed on Monday, played basketball ol' school style at the neighbourhood CC, got to know a group of people that plays table tennis regularly at tampines sports hall through a forum linked from Raymond's blog, so i went down to cure the itch on wednesday, ultimate shiokness, shall aim to play table tennis at least once a week.

Scoopz didn't need me on friday so i didn't go down for work, felt that my eyes were better so i headed down to meet my brissy gang for our usual dinner session, had i known we were going to Suntec i might have given it a miss cos i forgot that it was the comex weekend, so it was CROWDED. Crowds give me headaches, haha, supposed to head down to Newton Food Centre but it was closed, nearly cabbed down when liwen called to tell me the place was closed and heading to Suntec instead.

Work was ok today, top of my eyes still a little puffy so i wore my specs to work so that the focus won't be on my unnatural double eyelids.

Emailed the immigration to ask about my citizenship, the reply was that it is still under "active consideration", and i have no idea what the heck that means.

Patience is the key although i don't know how long more i can hold out. I wanna go on a HOLIDAY!! but i have no money!..sadzz

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Made kaya today at Popo's place with Shiow Chui Jie Jie. It was supposed to be a hush-hush affair in the kitchen but because they were fixing something in the kitchen so in the end we had to make it in front of the house where the neighbours could see us and people walking in and out of the house. They were trying to ask Popo about the exact recipe but she didn't exactly say. She say cannot reveal to outsiders, only family can be taught. HAHA!! So pardon the lack of pictures although we took down the whole process but only the beginning and the end can be shown cos this is SECRET FAMILY RECIPE!!..hahahhaha

Starting..

Me...

Shiow Chui Jie Jie..

Woo hoo!! Almost done..

TADAA!!..DONE!! popo scooping into the bottles for it to be cooled..shall pick them up tmr before i leave for Sg in the afternoon.. KAYA SUCCESSFUL!! hopefully i can try making it on my own.. Popo said that today's kaya is VERY good..TOP GRADE!!haha..

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

I'm in KL!!!! As usual, my cousins are forever hospitable, bringing me for good food, giving me a nice room to stay, i'll normally stay at my cousin's place if i'm alone in KL cos i'll be bored to death if i were to stay at Popo's place.

Dinner @ Seoul Korea near their place last night.

the grape minty candy that they gave after the meal, quite nice..

went over to visit popo, saw this new frame in the house done up my by my biggest uncle, some of the pictures taken were like 10 yrs ago!! when i still didn't know how to smile properly cos that was before i had my braces, and when i was still skinny..HAHAHA

some pastry shop near my cousin's place..the cakes are nice..and cheap too..bout RM4+

Just came back from visiting my biggest uncle and seeing the 2 monkeys Andrew & Ryan..