footprints

Sunday, September 11, 2011

Gosh, this is harder than i thought, so much on my mind lately, i need an outlet. This is a struggle as i type this out. I'm sure there are alot of friends wondering how i'm coping, having to repeat myself so many times is tiring as it is. Am i lying if i say i'm ok? What if i'm not, i'm trying to be, it's been more than 6 months, i should be able to take whatever news that might come my way. This is my first post in a long time, a recollection of thoughts from when it all began..

It's been more than half a year since Mum got diagnosed with stomach cancer, terminal stage. Recalling CNY earlier this year, with the shop officially opened at the start of the year, we were all glad i could take a few days off for a break in KL. My family had stayed a few more days in KL while i came back first to tend to the shop. She was already feeling abit under the weather when we were in KL, we all brushed it off as the common flu, who would have known that she never recovered from this "flu".

It didn't help that they sought a doc's advice in KL and consumed some whack medicine that made her "flu" worse. When they finally came back to Sg, a visit to the clinic, the GP suggested that it was best we sent her to the hospital. That time, i was still very confused as to what was happening. I thought it was just a regular visit to the hospital, i came back from work one day and realised she wasn't home, Doc had suggested for her to be warded for more tests.

They finally found the source in the form of a stomach ulcer that was already bleeding out spreading the cancer cells to the bone marrow, hence explaining her blood problems. Being diagnosed with cancer is like as if a death sentence had been passed down, our lives would never be the same again from then on. After spending a few days in the intermediate care for her condition to stabilise, she was finally transferred to the oncology ward, which to me just looked depressing from the moment i stepped into the room, everyone looked really sick or dying. It didn't help that the doctors stressed on the fact that "You have to be prepared, your mum is really sick". There wasn't a day of good sleep, each day ended with a tear-soaked pillow, we never really got to accept the news.

I began to drift away from my friends, i didn't know how to tell the news to anyone when we couldn't handle it ourselves. My family has always been one with lots of laughter, how do i tell my uncles that their beloved sister has cancer and will probably be leaving them soon, how do i tell my grandmother that her favorite daughter will leave this world before her. How do i keep lying that the doctors are still trying to figure out what is wrong with her. Being tired out from hospital trips day in day out, I get frightened by the phone ringing at night. We couldn't hide it any longer, after breaking the news to everyone, relatives started coming down to Sg to visit. At first it was really heart-warming, then it became really frustrating. What do you do when A suggests to try this method and B says to eat this and not eat that? Who do i listen to? When i did not do as i was told, i was labeled as "not putting in effort" which i felt was really unfair since from the beginning, i was at the hospital EVERYDAY, who can say that i didn't put in effort. Everyone has work, I HAVE WORK TOO! No doubt i put it aside for a month because the news was too much to handle but i had to return to work too, it would be too unfair on my partners if i had been away for too long.

So for another month i was running between work and hospital, and finishing work only after 12am, slept till the morning at 9 only to have been labeled once again "sleep till so late?!" WTF?

Mum was hospitalised for close to 2 months, but once they found the source and had started chemo, her condition stabilized when it seemed that her body was reacting well to the chemo and her situation was under control. At the beginning, it really felt as if she wasn't going to ever walk out of the hospital again. To receive the news of being able to be discharged came as a relief to everyone.

As we slowly digested the news, I started to let my friends know what has happened, many of whom were sorry for but there was nothing they could do to ease the pain. However, letting them know my struggles, seemed to have lifted a bit of pressure off.

Then it was in and out of admission for various complications, i told myself that if there was ever a need for admission again, i will not let it affect my work, i will spend time in the hospital, and just as much time at work. And then it was shuttling between work and hospital, spending the night in the hospital just to catch the doc's rounds in the morning and it was off to work again. Which proved to be costly as my body couldn't take the harsh conditions of the hospital and work together and it finally broke down..

Through these difficult times, I've managed to make another bunch of new friends, the nurses at the oncology ward, I figured that if i have to spend so much time in the hospital, i would be better off if i didn't pissed the nurses off. No idea how we managed to hit-it-off, but i do remember that i used to dislike the nurses there, heck, i HATED everything about Ward 48. But i guess the late night visits, the occasional chit chats we had, and plus they were all around the same age as me, all helped in the road to finding back the laughter of the "cheong family".

Knowing she was in good hands at Ward 48 made it easier for me to go back to work. In the blink of an eye, we were out of the hospital for almost a month without much complications...

Fast forward to a couple weeks ago, I was spending alot more time at work to make up for lost time before, Dad was the one taking care of Mum most of the time at home since he works half days now. A call at work and i had to rush to the A&E ASAP cos she was admitted again for pain and persistent diarrhea. The situation at home was tense, hospital trips were never a family affair because i didn't want to quarrel in a public place. I was tired, tired of always being the one around the hospital, because if there was any bad news, i would have to be the one to hear it first, i'm the youngest in the family, it doesn't work this way for me to handle things like that. Hearing you say you can't take leave from work to be in the hospital in the morning frustrates me because i am SICK and TIRED of these bullshit. I work too!!! How do you expect me to go to work for 14 hours when i don't get enough rest...

Slowly i started to distant myself from the things happening at home, i wanted to let go, was chemo prolonging life or extending her suffering, i couldn't tell the difference anymore.

Then came the day of the doc appointment, Dr requested to speak to me after dad pushed mum out of the room. He was going to stop chemo permanently as it wasn't helping anymore, doing more chemo will only add to her suffering. Her latest CT results showed that her cancer cells has progressed and increased in size which meant that her body was showing resistance to the different chemo used. The plan from now as was to just treat the different symptoms like pain and bloatedness as they came along. Dr said to be prepared, we are looking at months, less than 3 months to be exact. All till this point, i was fine, then tears came free flowing, i wasn't sobbing, it was just that the tears couldn't stop flowing. I don't know how i was feeling, was i relieved? Was i sad? Was i in pain? I told the doc: "I'm ok", before drying my tears and walking out of the room.

The dreaded day has arrived. Tried calling my auntie but there was no pick up on the other end. I thought i'll be ok, but the tears just wouldn't stop flowing. How do i tell her that they will be taking out her central line permanently and she won't need to do chemo anymore. I sent out text msges to a few friends cos i didn't know who to turn to. I was prepared for a day like this, but i wasn't prepared how to break the news. I could accept it on my own, how do i convince others to accept the fact for what it is without people condemning me for seemingly giving up...

I'm not giving up, but right from the get-go, we were already fighting a losing battle. The outcome has already been decided, what was different was the amount of damaged done physically and emotionally. It will be painful letting her go, but it pains me more to see her suffer so much.

Friends say "Be Strong". I say "I Will"... i will be strong in learning to let go..